One thing I really wish to figure out and do is learn to love and fall in love with myself. In my recent life, I have always found a way to hurt myself by keep thinking and obsessing about the fact that my husband doesn’t love me. I can’t remember how many times I’ve cried in my life because I just didn’t feel loved by my husband (in the way that I wanted). Nothing he ever did made me feel loved ‘enough’. And I constantly kept thinking and obsessing about all the ways he wasn’t showing me love (instead of appreciating him for loving me in his own way). I found (and still do find) myself constantly begging for his love. Every time my husband didn’t do something (which I wanted him to do to make me feel loved)– I cried. It was and is a terrible way to live.
Today, I am in a place where I truly believe that I am worthy of love. Today, I love myself enough to find out for myself how to make myself feel loved (by myself). I’m really in a place where I wish to give to myself and do things for myself which will make me feel loved because I’m actually a very loving person but I have ended up neglecting my true self and expecting someone else to love me. This hasn’t exactly worked out for me and I ended up depressed and the most unhappy I have ever been in my entire life. Clearly, something was not right about the way I was approaching ‘love’ – something that is so pure became something so hurtful and negative. A loving caring giving person such as myself does not deserve to feel this badly. That’s why this time I am ready to stop looking outside and start looking within.
A few days ago, I hated myself so much – I can’t believe I’m even the same person right now. God loves me so much and helped show me a way out of my misery for which I am so greatly thankful. To be honest, I’ve been blessed so much to know it in my heart that God’s love & self-love is truly the only love I’ll ever need. One is completely complete with God’s love. This is love like no other and it is the only love I want to focus on now.
Today, it is my goal to focus and obsess about God loving me rather than focusing and obsessing about my husband not loving me. Also, it is my goal to learn to love myself and love God. It’s been all day I’ve been trying to put together my thoughts on love and some of these thoughts are just coming to me now because God and love is within me – it’s all connected. God is love. Love is God. We all are a part of God and God’s love – all it takes is realizing and believing it. I am so thankful for being led in a way to start searching within. I have come to realize: I already have all the answers I need – I just need to take the time to search – a realization I am ever so grateful for. Many verses of gurbani are suddenly making sense. So much is making sense. Looking forward to the search for more answers.