New purpose and new focus + some insights

I believe one’s purpose can change with time. It really depends on where you are in your life’s journey and there will be different purposes along the way. For me to find and realize my bigger ultimate purpose – I know I am meant to give myself to the world in some bigger more meaningful way – I first have to focus on filling my own cup. I need to first become a complete, whole and independent person. Only then will I be able to focus my life on giving (which I know I am meant to do in some special way) and be true to who I am. But it’s very important for me to make myself whole again because at the moment, I really am broken. I fell in love when I was very young (at about 17), before I even knew who I was as a person and I unintentionally started relying on my now husband to make me whole. I thought I was an incomplete person by myself and that I needed him to make me feel whole and complete. My journey for the past 10 years (I am 27 now) did not include me really thinking about what I want from my life separately from my husband. I never searched within to find out what I want from life – which I am learning to do now. My mind didn’t see myself as a separate person with a separate life. When I thought of myself, I always saw myself as connected with my husband. All my choices and decisions were always made taking him into consideration. Living this way is no longer working for me. My husband and I have agreed together that I need to focus on myself and learn to find happiness from myself rather than relying on him for it. It is not the right way to live anymore, for me. For the first 5 years of our relationship, we both were okay to rely on each other for everything. During the next 5 years something changed for my husband and he moved on from his world revolving around me and started focusing on his business and career. That’s what he needed to do because what I understand now is life is meant to change. Relationships and our emotional dependencies on other people – all of these things are not meant to stay the same forever. We were both basically kids when we met and it actually isn’t a healthy way of living to depend on your partner to make you whole and complete. The thing is my journey of emotionally and mentally spiraling downwards and being completely unhappy with my life began when my husband moved on. Today I understand that this is just what he needed to do. We all need jobs and careers and he was ready for the next phase of his life. The difference is, his business/career required so much of him that he didn’t have much left to give me anymore. This is something I wasn’t prepared for in the way that it happened. I did not think of the bigger picture that he is doing this not just for him, but for us and our future. Instead I drove myself crazy. I became an emotional mess, very sad, insecure and depressed because I felt he no longer ‘loved’ me. Even though he still loved me but just was over the initial phase of love. He had something else to focus on, so he didn’t need me in the same way that he needed me before. It is now 5 years later, and I have finally realized that I need to move on also. For the past 5 years I was not over wanting and recreating what we had in the first 5 years of our relationship. I missed what we initially had and could not accept the new version of our relationship. Obviously, I wasn’t wise enough to realize that me and him could still have a good relationship and marriage despite the fact that it won’t be the same as when we first met. I was bitter and resentful. I acted out in a lot of ways because in my head, my husband no longer ‘loved’ me and loved his business more than me, etc. Needless to say, this lack of synchronization between us caused major problems for our relationship and this has continued for 5 years. I guess somehow this was all meant to happen to bring me to where I am today. Today I can see things more clearly. We’ve had 5 years together where our worlds revolved around each other. And now we’ve also had 5 years together where we were out of sync and both of our worlds did not revolve around each other. In this new world, we both had different expectations of the relationship. Today, I have finally accepted that it’s time for me to move on in the same way my husband moved on 5 years ago. It took me an extra 5 years but this is just something that was meant to happen and I no longer have regrets about anything (as of yesterday I was telling myself that I have some regrets). Today I am ready and excited to create a new world for myself – one in which I will ultimately be enough. I am excited to be on this journey of discovering self-love. I am ready to find everything I’ll ever need from within. I am ready to regain my power. I am ready for my self-worth to be based on who I am and how I feel about myself rather than wrongly basing it on how my husband feels about me. For 5 years, I let the fact that my husband didn’t need/want me in the same way he needed/wanted me up till 5 years ago almost destroy and waste my life and potential completely. This thought made me so unhappy to a point where I basically made myself depressed. Today, I am in a better place. I was lucky enough to piece the pieces together to figure out where I went wrong and what went wrong. Because if I am being honest, I truly didn’t believe that I deserved the unhappiness and self-hatred I was feeling. I am a kind loving pure soul and deep down I always knew that I deserved better. I was just focusing my energy in the wrong place and I am happy with everything I have learned so I can now focus my energy in the right place àon myself.

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