Day 122/ 365
Today was an emotional day. I guess overall at this point in my life, my emotional health is not the greatest. I fluctuate with my emotions. I can have a super happy fantastic emotionally healthy day one day and even be able to keep it up for many days – but eventually I tend to spiral downwards. The good news is, ever since I started focusing on this challenge more closely, I am having much more betters days than bad days. The bad news is that today I was very sad. My mind kept thinking bad thoughts. Thoughts that kept making me cry. The more I thought of them, the more I’d cry. I would try to think of a solution and cry more because it felt like I just couldn’t make a decision on what to do to take myself out of my anxious and sad state of mind. It was a very difficult day… but I have managed to get through it, successfully for which I am so grateful.
Today completes 1/3 of my 365 day challenge. I started on June 1st and today is September 30th – so 4/12 months (1/3 of the duration of the challenge) is complete. I still have 2/3 of the challenge left and I guess I put some pressure on myself to reassess and reprioritize myself and give myself another (somewhat of a) ‘fresh’ start to my challenge. Since I got sick over the weekend, I haven’t been feeling my best self. Getting sick and not having the energy I would like to have is somewhat difficult for a person who’s already in a very sensitive spot to begin with. Emotionally and mentally, I already have a hard time keeping it together and getting sick on top of that, it becomes kind of difficult for me to keep up with everything I am trying to keep up with (my emotions, feelings, etc.).
I guess since I was not feeling my best self, I wanted to refocus and/or bring on some kind of change in my life so I can be better/more focused for the remaining duration of this challenge. By the end of the day, I found what I was looking for. Since morning, I was on what I can describe as an emotional roller coaster. There were a lot of thoughts. A lot of tears. A lot of sadness. A lot of just trying to get through the day. A lot of confusion and anxiety. It was just so difficult to keep it together today. At one point, I was about to pack my things and leave (because I share my office and people can pass by and I didn’t want to answer anyone’s questions on why I was sad/crying) when I got distracted by something important that needed my attention.
I cried in my bedroom, in my office, in the washroom, in my shower, in my car – ah! A lot of tears today. However, by the end of the day I guess it was worth it. My husband always says ‘All is well if end is well’. In the end, I was able to calm myself down and allow myself to stop the negative and sad thoughts. I feel more equipped to have a ‘fresh’ start tomorrow – new day, new month, new (and last) quarter of 2020! I guess the lesson at the end of the day is to keep trying my best. To not lose focus on my goals. To try my best to keep my thoughts positive. Positivity attracts positivity. So cry it out as needed, but don’t always think negative. If you just change the way your thinking, positivity will find you!! I promise!! (notes to myself) The only way to get off the emotional roller coaster is to think positive. Thinking negative will keep you on the emotional roller coaster – and you will be on it all day (or longer), it will pause but it won’t stop. The only way to get off is to tell yourself you gotta change your thoughts. It’s all my own doing! I create my own misery. My own depression. It’s all in my hands (and head). I can have absolutely anything I want, as long as I stay positive. Do whatever it takes to stay positive – and I can have everything I’ve ever wanted.
How I changed my thoughts today? I focused on someone other than myself (my husband) today. I was feeling so unhappy and I thought to myself – what can I do in this moment to change my thought process. And the answer I found? I had asked my husband earlier today that I wanted to speak to him today and that he should please make time (he agreed). Usually when we talk, it becomes so negative because unfortunately, I suck at my relationship. But today, to make a change (what I so badly needed and wanted today) – I thought of thinking of what he might want for once. How fun is it to regularly have talks with your wife and she’s always an emotional mess? You end up spending so much time (which is so hard to get in the first place) without making the relationship better in any way whatsoever. It’s an endless cycle of despair. I always complain about my husband not spending time with me. Then when he spends time with me – it’s all spent trying to deal with all of my negative emotions and then we’re exactly where we started off: me complaining about him not spending time with me!!
Today ended up being a good day. I got to spend some good time with him! No negativity. No emotional drama (I dealt with it on my own). I took myself to him AFTER I already figured and dealt with my emotions and I was in a better more loving place. I had good intentions when I sat with him. Unfortunately, usually I have bad intentions and I ruin our time together before it even begins because I am already filled with negative thoughts. How difficult it must be for him to deal with this a l l the time! Running a business and trying to keep up with a relationship is N O T easy in any sort of way. And we haven’t been able to keep up with our relationship. And I have not made it easy for him (or myself). Change: JUST BE POSITIVE. He texted me this morning “I love you. Try to keep yourself positive. It helps mentally and physically.” I guess he sensed that today wasn’t going to be a good day for me emotionally. That is all he’s ever wanted from me: to keep myself positive. Today, I went on a crazy roller coaster ride but I got off it by thinking positive thoughts and I hope to stay off this roller coaster for as long as I possibly can.
Questions I thought of to ask my husband today (to take my mind to a more positive place before meeting with him because I wanted to go to him with positive energy rather than negative):
- What can I do for you?
- How can I help make your life better and happier?
- In what ways can I contribute to your happiness?
- Tell me 5 actions I can do that will make you feel loved.
I didn’t get a chance to ask him anything… but just the positive thoughts/right intentions made our evening time spent together today – beautiful (a good change from usual) ❤
Looking forward to the next 2/3 of my challenge!!!